10 Minutes

It was a moment that I had asked for. A moment that I had read about, seen in movies, and heard others speak their experiences with it. It’s something you train for yet you never know when it’s going to present itself.  You wonder when it’s coming, if it’s coming. Your mind starts to plant these little seeds of lies…. Your too tired, this isn’t your day, your not getting the calories in so you don’t have the fuel you need, your legs are too heavy, it’s too hot. All the excuses, all the lies you tell yourself come to the surface. The more energy you give to them, the stronger they become, the more you start to believe, maybe your right, maybe I don’t have what it takes. Maybe this hurts too much. Maybe I should just say fuck it and the pain stops, or hey, at least I made it this far, maybe next time…. As these thoughts gain power they start to weigh on you like a thousand pounds on ur back, crushing  the will right out of you. Your ego, sinking that choke hold in, whispering in ur ear, “just tap, just ring the fuckin bell and all this stops”…… suddenly it’s no longer whispering, it’s louder, there’s more strength behind the words. The minds squeezing harder, it can sense submission is near. This is the moment, the time when your soul is in the deepest valley, the darkest hour, the absolute truth of who you are. It’s judgement day……

                It was 4am , 22 hours and 68 miles into my first 100 miler. It was very quiet and still. Darkness had been my world for the last eight hours, jet black all around me except for my tiny little  bubble of light coming from my waist lamp. I had been running solo for the entire duration since dusk…. Just me… and well, my mind. I hadn’t been able to eat calories for almost 9 hrs leading up to this point either, my stomach just wasn’t having it. It’s an interesting cocktail when you mix fatigue with lack of food and sleep, pushing yourself alone through the night. Your head can really fuck with you, it makes you see shit that isn’t there, makes you hear things that you know aren’t there, but, well maybe?…makes you start asking those questions to yourself….”Wtf am I doing out here? Why the hell am I running through the woods in the middle of the night? Why am I putting myself through this? Stupid questions, yet at the same time, very important ones too… What I’ve learned from previous experiences is that when those questions arise, if you can’t answer them, your done, games over…. I created a pile of questions and stories of why I should just call it that night wandering through the steep trails of the North Georgia Mountains. When I checked into that #7 aid station early that morning I hobbled in at one of the lowest moments I can ever remember experiencing. My legs felt like lead weights, with a magnetic force pulling to the earth. My stomach, stuck right in between that feeling of nausea and hunger pains. Every ultra runners felt it, that fine line of “ I think I should eat, but, what if I puke?” If that happens then I lose the calories that I do have in…but, I think I might be hungry?. Fuck, I don’t know… a vicious circle of caloric confusion. The physical pain was bad but no where near compared to where I put myself mentally…. I was defeated coming into that support tent. I literally convinced myself to quit while running down that 15 mile section from #6 to #7 aid, knowing the crux of the route was just in front of me. As I sat there, with my 1000 yard stare, I was sweating and freezing at the same time while Trying to sip some warm  broth and taking small bites of a quesadilla that’s tasted fucking terrible. My mind was playing me like a seasoned puppet master…. The devil on one shoulder whispering, just stop, you’ve got nothing left”. The angel on the other, “ maybe you can, just stand up”. The Devil, alittle louder now, “ you can’t make it back up that hill, your too weak. Just turn in your bib and let’s tap”. The Angel, “just stand up”. The Devil, screaming, “you can’t stand up”! The Angel, “get up”! This was the moment, the war inside me was raging… get up! Stay Down! My moment of truth, my judgment day was here and now. This was the bottom….I can stay here and the pain will stop, for now, and then regret will last the rest of my life, or I get up and find what’s left to give. Just Then, there was this wave of silence….calm….nothingness that flowed through me. All I remember is standing up and saying “ WTF am I doing?”…. “ let’s go”…. A power filled me, a feeling with no thoughts, no mind, just the absolute present. It’s challenging to explain what it was , but it made me stand up. It made me believe that my body can keep going, even if my mind says it can’t. Ten minutes later after entering that tent, I left with a renewed sense of purpose and started up the hill. The pain was still there but no longer did it paralyze my progress, no longer did I focus on the pain, I now used it as fuel to fire my way to the finish. After 35 continuous hours I crossed the finish line feeling tired, but fucking strong. Like that feeling you get after accomplishing a good solid day of hard work that you love doing….

                As I said before, I asked for that moment. I wanted to see if I could touch the bottom and had what it took to get  back to the top. that 10 minutes showed me who I was and what I was capable of doing. It’s a moment in time I will carry with me forever and let it guide me in other areas of my life journey. I’ve always said, “The only way to know what your made of, is to find out”.

Justin Burd

Nevrest